Yes! It’s an exciting, thrilling, astounding and brilliant new feature!!!

Conspiracies Cookery!!!®©™

With respected journalist, author and bore Will Self!!!

And annoying exclamation marks!!!

Yes, hello, it is I, the unctuous, piquant and notorious William Self III. When I’m not vocalising my postulations (a condition which I have seen my doctor about) in my unmissable and indeed astute Independent column William Self III (Son Of Lord Self Of Tedium) - Man Of The People! I relish nothing more than the redolent effluvium and delectable flavour of adroit cookery. (Oi! Self! Put that Thesaurus away now, you disreputable yet erudite diarist! -Ed) Anyway, the dish I’m going to teach you to cook today is ‘Will Self’s Tragic Kitchen Accident Pie’. Simply bake the crust of a pie until it is crisp, and meticulously remove the meat and stuff from inside to serve as a side-dish. Garnish the pie with herbs and broccoli, and add a small amount of thyme for flavouring. Next, cut someone’s hand off and put it through a hand-operated fan. This is your filling. Now put a bit of lemon on it. My family all love this unique dish, with its blend of thyme, pastry and human capillaries, or at least they did until their tragic kitchen accidents.

WHY YOU CALL ME SEBASTIAN, HUH? WHY YOU WANNA DO A THING LIKE THAT?

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With Delia Smith

THIS MONTH: One Patronising Tart

INGREDIENTS: One egg (a white, roundish thing that comes from out of a chicken)

Before we go any further, I think I'd better explain how to buy an egg. I take mine from chicken sacrifices, but you may want to buy them from a shop. Be careful not to walk into the shop door; always open it first. Now, always remember to pay for your eggs.

Well, now we've got a nice egg. I paint mine white to go on the cover of my fabulous new book, which you buy (see earlier) from any good B-O-O-K S-H-O-P where they sell shameless cash-ins.

To make your tart palatable, you should really take the shell off, but that would require a knife, and it is best to avoid blades until the advanced course, I think. You may also want to experiment with adding a diner to this piece. A diner is a man who eats the food. Beware, though. I once tried this and ended up cleaning dried sick out of my blouse for months afterwards. So, only one question remains; do you want your food as it is now or would you like Aunty Delia to cut it up for you?