The Miniature Messenger

By Iain Handyside. Sludge group newspapers PLC. Issue 3,678,488. (well,3 really)

BSE-PEANUT

As you know, CJD is sweeping the country and a staggering 0.00000000001 percent of the population has died from it. Coming from Argentina, however, is the terrifying threat of Mad Peanut Disease, where the victim collapses and breaks into a fever as soon as the peanut is digested and within a few weeks they have turned completely blue, vomit haggis and grow spectacular replicas of the Kremlin all over their skin.

Buy the first book published about this terrible, horrific threat called Peanut! It offers unique evidence that conclusively proves that THIS DISEASE WAS CAUSED BY A US OFFICER DROPPING HIS TOENAIL CLIPPINGS ONTO A PETRI DISH OF BACTERIOLOGICAL WASTE. The evidence is the unique magnified picture of the virus which shows the genetic likeness of a human toenail ON THE GERM'S HEAD. Only �274,736,378,374,837,479.99. Go on, we know how gullible you are. Heh, heh, heh.