For those who missed the recent ISCO careers aptitude test [This was a careers advice thing we had to do at our school. For those who’ve never taken a careers test, believe every cruel word --- Graham], you have no career prospects at all. For those who didn’t, this is what you saw anyway, so I don’t really know why I’m publishing this.

Q1. Which type of job suits you best?

1. a management job?
2. a non-management job?
3. another management job?

Q2. Try again, idiot.

1. a management job?
2. a management job?
3. a management job?

Q3. Which would you rather have?

1. Friends? (Pah!)
2. Good health? (As if!)
3. A management job?

Q4. If you could have any job in the world, which management job would it be?

1. One that involves a lot of responsibility and decision-making, that could wipe out whole continents if you screwed up on it?
2. Street sweeper?
3. A management job?

Q5. Which job would you rather have?

1. Nursery school teacher?
2. Toilet cleaner?
3. A management job?

Q6. Which of these best describes your personality?

1. A natural leader?
2. A natural manager?
3. A management job?

If you answered mostly a)s, you will have a management job.

If you answered mostly b)s, you will have a management job.

If you answered mostly c)s, you will have a management job.

If you answered these at all, you will have a management job.

Quotes-u-like

"Awright? Geezer! It’s like, totally taking music down to the streets, awright, geezer, not like, bothering with, awright, geezer, musicians an’ all that, just stuff which yer average person can get, you know what I’m sayin’? Awright! Geezer! Awright! Geezer! Awright! Geezer! Awright! Geezer!"

Interviewed by Modern Bongo Player’s Weekly.

"It’s just victimisation more than anything. I made a subtle protest laced with Mancunian wit and irony, and they send me to prison. Well, I’m not having it! I will write to my MP and demand this horrific torture of innocent people stop!"

Ian Brown, who was sentenced to 3 minutes in jail plus time off for Christmas after yelling "I'll fucking kill you, you fucking bitch from fucking hell!" at an air hostess. Interviewed in Psycho’s World.

"Hello."

The only part of Courtney Love’s recent Q interview that can be legally reproduced. Despite all this, they still stretched the interview out to three pages and gave her the front cover.

"You know what really gets me? Sprouts. Every fucking Christmas, we got fucking sprouts, well, I’m not standing for this, oh no! Basically it marginalises the working class, that your upper-class food factory managers thing ‘ho, they’re thick in Blackwood, we’ll give them sprouts again’ and putting them in a fucking can. Someone’s got to stand up to them. But not me."

Nicky Wire of the Manic Street Preachers defends his controversial anti-sproutism stance, Home & Garden magazine.

NEWS IN BRIEF

LORD STUCKUP-CRAMLEIGH DIES; Lord Stuckup-Cramleigh passed away in his sleep yesterday after being repeatedly punched by someone trying to get away from his book of memoirs which were blocking up the door. The Sunday Toilet-Roll gave a page over to his obituary, which contained to following oddly Fortean passage.

"So, there I was, with King Edward VII, and I decided to shoot some peasants. Sorry, pheasants. Peasants came later, and we were walking out when this big grey fellow came up to me. Well, it’s like the Conservative Party says, anyone who’s not like us shouldn’t be in England. So I kicked him. This was in the days before I was merely a bodiless brain, when I had legs, and before I was a crumbling nonagenarian pockmark on the arse of humanity. (Possibly misheard)"

The obituary went on to say, "Lord Stuckup-Cramleigh was a charming man, able to inject humour into awful bigoted shit that we wouldn’t let a new novelist get away with, but frankly we want some of his inheritance." Lord Stuckup-Cramleigh was 1, 567, 523, 678, 686.

SLIGHTLY HOPELESS EXCUSES; The government has claimed that all UFOs sighted between 1566 and 1997 have been hoaxes or misidentifications of the common phenomenon of ‘Giant Flying Metal Thing", as first discovered by A Scientist PhD. Apparently the UFO crashes at Roswell and Varghina were simply balloons stuffed with dummies that had been filled with jam and had bruises felt-tipped on them, and that they all made it up anyway, and Roswell doesn’t exist, and neither does America, and neither do I.

RICK ‘ARD!!!

Today I, like, went out an’ I, like… I dunno what I did, like, but it was all ‘ard an’ that, you know, ‘cos I’m ‘ard, yeah. Fuckin’ mental. An’ I went an’ I said to this ice-cream man, "’Ere, you wiv the hair, you look not like a man, but some kind of bird!" An’ he said, d’you know what he said, he said "I am a bird. I’m actually a devout feminist, you worthless little piece of Loaded lad maggoty shit." I thought hey, she’s coming on to me here.

Then I went into a church and they were discussin’ this guy, right, who died and came back to life, like the guy in Re-Animator. An’ I saw a picture of him an’ I said "He looks not like a man, but (Column adjourned until we all revive our interest in the column. So, never, then. - Ed.)

Michael Aspel sees shocking Scottish story in spine-chilling, err… sarong.

Michael Aspel has discovered a shocking tale of blood-chilling nastiness in an old trunk hidden in the attic of a Scottish pub The Auld Glenfielweegan’ Gate. The story details the terrifying events of 1765 when Scotland’s oldest man Hamish Macbeth (no relation) was out in a storm taking Morag for a walk when an entire mountain-range sprang up in front of him. Morag jumped into his arms, which was quite painful, Morag being a highland cow. He then skilfully avoided a flow of lava only to find that "I was living in 1795 and this is no hoax, I tell you now!"

Aspel plans to use the story in Strange But Not A Word Of Truth In It From Beginning To End Actually? It will no doubt be shown alongside a story he heard in Stockton about a man who saw a UFO and its occupants after he bought some flour from a bloke in a back alley wearing a Macintosh and begging him not to tell "Big Dave". Strange, yes. True? Err…no.

The Royal Fish-cake Agency today sensationally announced that the gibbering bacterium found on our nearest neighbour (actually, my nearest neighbour is a gibbering bacterium, but that’s another story) wasn’t the least on offer. Using a high-powered plastic telescope they managed to locate these little ‘beauties’.

1. A fossilised telephone, one careful owner.
2. A dead telephone.
3. The remains of a bit of dust.
4. Sand.
5. An astronaut’s ashtray
6. David Baddiel.

These remarkably unintelligent creations will be given their own TV show immediately.

.

A report was issued last week that may shock the nation to its very foundations.

It shockingly revealed that 90% of journalists make up reports to support their own cynical drug-induced opinions.

But today we bring you a sneak preview from a briefing given only to the nation’s best journalists. We weren’t invited, but we heard there were free drinks and snuck in. We were all way too drunk to notice what was happening (hey, we are hacks!) so we kidnapped some guy who wasn’t and tortured this out of him.

"Look", he said, "put the tweezers away, I’ll tell you… This report is based on evidence given by Monica…"

Okay, so we kidnapped the wrong guy. We were drunk, for God’s sake, so sue us (or in fact don’t)! Alright, so now we’ve instead stole an article on…

Yesterday a company (who cannot be named for illegal reasons) issued the results of a study on youth crime. They recommended that areas with high crime rates immediately place a curfew on all toddlers.

"We’ve found that stopping toddlers and babies from prowling the streets after 10pm has drastically reduced the crime rate in many ways", says a spokesman for a Bogus Spokesman Corporation ™.

One old lady was heard to say "Eh? Who are you?" and this clearly shows her support for the scheme after her home was firebombed by a mysterious assailant who may have been a toddler on stilts with very long arms and a false beard.

Middlesborough’s chief constable said "It’s time to crack down on crime. We’re glad to say that this policy is working and the number of criminal break-ins has been Drastically Reduced since we bombed most of Teesside. Zero Tolerance! Sieg Heil! Sieg Heil!"

Tony Blair commented; "Mmm, I smell favourable publicity! God, the public’s so gullible! That was off the record, okay? OK? Oi! Come back!"

An Anti -Terrorism Officer who was mysteriously found in my basement said "We think it’s terrible the number of terrorists who are under the legal age for going to school! We have recently rounded up a whole gang of them holding a secret meeting in a hideout cleverly disguised as the Early Learning Centre."

Police issued this official statement; "To Drastically Reduce the rate of crime we have implemented the strongest possible measures. After 10 p.m. all toddlers must remain indoors. Any toddler seen on the streets after this time will be taken in for questioning and gangs will be shot on sight."

Parents are advised to stay inside whilst this is in effect, just in case, and stop moaning about cruelty ‘cos sometimes you’ve just got to be cruel to be kind. This is Adolf the Garden Gnome for CNN (Conspiracies News Network) from his slum in Uganda (a particularly bad district of Teesside). No thanks to you, and goodnight.