Yes, after 37 years, Oasis are still on tour, despite criticism that the new Liam Gallagher/ Noel Gallagher/ Phil Collins/ Jeremy Paxman line-up is inferior to past glories. They still go down a treat in pubs, however, with songs like their new single "Free as an Ostrich".
"We don�t do drugs any more", says Noel (98), who shares song-writing duties with Paxman (375), "in fact we prefer a nice cup of� d�oh!"
"So, Noel", asked an overweight reporter at their press conference, "do you still consider yourself to be the best songwriter in the world?"
"No!"
"Why not?"
"Don�t you know anything, fatso? I�m a poet!"
"You�re a poet? Have you heard that lyric from �All Around The World�; "It makes me shine/ And that�s really fine/ I�m not going to whine/ I�m going to draw a line/ Inside a big coal mine/ La, la, la, la, la, la, la."
"It doesn�t say that!"
"It does!"
"Okay, let�s go out and settle this!"
Whilst the interview was adjourned for three hours, I spotted some familiar journalists in the hall. There was Nick Smith, who had produced a series of anxiety-packed Bridget Jones-style diaries in 2016 and become an international superstar. There was Hart, Lewis and Williamson, the people who gave me my first job on this magazine (long before it became a tabloid), now working for the Daily Mail. And there�s Tom Coates, now compiling Volume 108 of the Virgin Encyclopaedia of Popular Music, which weighs 60 tons and cannot be delivered anywhere.
I decided to blot my copy-book with a little investigative journalism. I followed the trail of grey eyebrow hair to Gallagher�s current whereabouts; the men�s toilets. The Dictaphone recording made there is unclear, but it seems Gallagher is talking to Liam, who is in a cubicle. When he is asked how long he�s been in there, he claims that he cannot find his stairlift remote control and is scared to go back upstairs. Saddened to see two once-great [sic] musicians reduced to this, I tried to shoot them, but was led out of the building.
Oasis�s first gig in two years was quite a sight to behold. Liam still looked as cocky as ever, despite being confined to a wheelchair after picking up a penny from the street. Phil Collins is arguably their greatest drummer since Tony McCarroll, now undergoing something of a critical renaissance since his triple album Remember Me? I�m Tony McCarroll topped the charts for 47 weeks whilst simultaneously evolving the face of music as we know it. Jeremy Paxman is a more than competent bassist, despite occasionally breaking off in the middle of a song, going over to Noel and saying "What chord are you playing? Is it a D flat seventh? Come on, come on, I haven�t got all day. Admit it, it is, isn�t it? I�m right. I want you to answer the question. It�s in your interest and mine�" The performance of �Live Forever� was muted slightly when Paxman refused to accept that there was such a chord as F suspended 2nd, and doggedly stuck by his original idea of A major. The argument soon spilled over onto the front of the stage, with Liam not knowing who to back but merely sitting there shouting "Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!" Due to Paxman�s interjections, the performance was thirty minutes longer than we had anticipated.
The big finale, however, was spectacular. A special guest joined Oasis on stage for a performance of �Shaky Maky�, a remake of one of their old songs. It was Courtney Love, best known for her TV chat-show Courtney: Surviving Life. The title is somewhat ironic, as all readers should know that Courtney spent ten years as a head in a jar following a botched alleged assassination attempt by Kurt Cobain�s head in a jar.
Ultimately, on a dynamite showing like tonight�s, we would have to ask "Are Oasis really less successful than they were back in 1996?" Well, three people and a cat saw this gig, so the answer would have to be yes, yes, they are.